BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

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Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.


[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”


[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]


-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you


[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.


Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.


People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.


Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.


I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?