Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
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[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Before you begin, questions?
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
About to go for a run, because shoplifting