boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
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“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table