BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
You Might Also Like
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
podcasts
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.