BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
You Might Also Like
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman