BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
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DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I forgot how to panic. Help
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.