Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
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Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon