BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
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Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
plant them where lol
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?