Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
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Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.