boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
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Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I came this close!!!!
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.