Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.