Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

Me: Please. Just a little longer.

Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful