boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
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Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
my first dose meeting my second
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
me doing my best
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.