Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
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o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.