Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
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I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭