Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
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If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
everyone has that one prude friend
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”