Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
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My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Cake!!
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.