Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
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Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.