boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who đ
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one đ
You Might Also Like
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
âwhoâs thinking outside the box now Gary.â
âDude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?â
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying âcaution: wet floorâ instead of wiping it up, parenting is frigginâ ridiculous
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
i pretend i donât care about stuff but thatâs only because i have no idea whatâs going on around me at any given time.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Heard someone on TV talking about a âdecades oldâ song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
My wife and I have to put drops in the catâs eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like âCouple mauled to death by two pound kittenâ tomorrow
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to âthong songâ
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. Itâs uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and theyâre embarrassed they didnât floss. Did you floss?
ME: Itâs because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didnât floss.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: iâm gonna kill god.