Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
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I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
At Walmart during the holidays like..