boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
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person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes