boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

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Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐


People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.


Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*


I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.


Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”


purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again


Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!


I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks


Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.