@Shen_the_Bird

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

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@slimmy_shady

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

@noog

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

@JohnLyonTweets

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

@GrowlyGrego

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

@MariyaAlexander

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

@fuzzlime

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

@mrtruthandsoul

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

@IDontSpeakWhine

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

@JohnLyonTweets

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.