BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
You Might Also Like
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing