@ArfMeasures

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

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if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

@flashember

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

@AmishSuperModel

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

@mrjohndarby

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

@SortaBad

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

@RobDenBleyker

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

@DirtMcTurd

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

@junejuly12

Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.