Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
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DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
good work, everybody