Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
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Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
May never get over this
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?