Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
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My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
My dog learned how to text
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]