@JustUnstableMe

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

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@brendohare

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

@stephenjmolloy

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

@Jake_Vig

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

@PandAmonnia

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

@heatherlou_

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

@OrangeFact

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

@AndyAsAdjective

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

@liljonlovitz

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

@pleatedjeans

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

@ch000ch

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”