Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
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Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”