Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
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Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
WTF
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
S/o to @funTweeters .
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.