BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
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*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it