boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
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BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.