boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
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interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure