Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
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My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁