Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
You Might Also Like
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
*puts my mental health in rice
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.