boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
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*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Name another movie that mislead you?
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?