BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
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My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
A wise man once said nothing.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
“you changed” bro i was 15
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…