Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
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Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
buys donuts instead
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”