Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
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Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Just this preview of the story is enough
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
you’re so productive for your wage
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.