Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
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Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.