Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
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me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in