BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
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You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
The answer is funnier than the question
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back