Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
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Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My background check bounced.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.