Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
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Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I think this cat is broken
did it work
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.