Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
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My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*