Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
You Might Also Like
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Practicing safe sax
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.