BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
You Might Also Like
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Roses are red, you always mattered,
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.