boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
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What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”