Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
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When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
ouch
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
[loses house key, starts a new life]
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise