boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
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ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.