@ilovepie84 Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
@XplodingUnicorn Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
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@ilovepie84 
@pakalupapitow i need a six-month vacation twice a year
@Marlebean Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
@thepaulasuzanne In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
@Dawn_M_ This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
@10InchesPlus I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
@LoveNLunchmeat When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
@mellimelle You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
@Darlainky I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
@nPhelendriqal Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?