@XplodingUnicorn

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

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@ilovepie84

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

@Marlebean

Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…

“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”

@thepaulasuzanne

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

@Dawn_M_

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

@10InchesPlus

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

@LoveNLunchmeat

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

@Darlainky

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

@nPhelendriqal

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?