Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
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It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Stonehinge
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”