Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
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90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
become ungovernable
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Somebody call the cops.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”