Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
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I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep