Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
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Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”