Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
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Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
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“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.