Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.